Hail To The Drivel
by Mr CJ
Summary: Collection of drabble and SOS Brigade short stories. Will contain pretty much everything under the sun eventually; it's pretty much an idea dumping ground. The SOS Brigade needs more crack! Update Number 8: The *Other* Last Question
1. Wargames 01

A/N: I wanted to have a crack at writing... well, crack. And drabble. Fun times abound!

* * *

**Hail To The Drivel  
Wargames 01**

"Ha! Found you, Kyon!"

"...Hi Haruhi."

"You think you can escape my justice? You cannot hide from my sight! I am the Brigade Commander, face me and perish!"

"...Haruhi are you challenging me to a knife fight?"

"I AM THE QUEEN OF A THOUSAND BLA-"

Bang, splat.

"-DES_**YOU JUST SHOT ME!**_"

"It's a First Person _Shooter, _Haruhi. Boom headshot."

She glared at me over the top of the Commander's Laptop. Koizumi chuckled by my side. I reloaded my sniper rifle with a grin and the press of a button.

"Oh it's _on_ now, you subordinate plebeian!"


	2. Wargames 02

**Hail To The Drivel  
Wargames 02**

"...I do not understand the purpose of this activity."

"It's a game, Nagato. The idea is to have fun."

"Bloody murder is generally considered an unwanted event in regular occurrence."

"Ordinarily yes, but this isn't real."

"The desire to kill is also considered an unwise neural operation."

"Nagato... just trust me. There's a lot of reasons people enjoy these games."

"Like mankind generally being insane?" Itsuki asked cheerfully as he ran me over with a tank.

"Yes, like that, Koizumi. Just like that."


	3. Wargames 03

**Hail To The Drivel  
Wargames 03**

"A-Ano... EEEK!"

Splat.

"Mikuru, if someone fires a rocket at you, it's generally best to _move._"

"B-but-but why are you all shooting rockets at _meeeee_?"

"Target practise."

"Point of activity."

"_Fun!"_

"Waaah!"

Splat.

"Don't worry, Mikuru-san, I will protect you!"

"K-Kyon..."

"A-ALRIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH OF _THAT_, YOU TWO!"

"Aaaaaah!"

Splat.


	4. Wargames 04

**Hail To The Drivel  
Wargames 04**

"Haha, got you now, Kyon!"

"What? I-GAH!"

Splat.

"..."

"..."

"I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryIdidn'tmeantoIjustpressedthisbuttonI'msorrypleasedon'thurtme, Waaaaah!"

"..."

"Wow, nice sneak attack, Haruhi!"

"...shut up, Kyon."


	5. Wargames 05

**Hail To The Drivel  
Wargames 05**

"So the purpose of this activity is to acquire the highest number?"

"The highest score, yes. One sec-"

Bang, splat.

"Damnit Kyon!"

"Too slow Haruhi!"

"To acquire the highest score?"

"Yes. By sniping Haruhi's fat, sluggish ass."

"PLEBEIAN!"

"Understood."

/User Yuki_N granted admin status.  
/sv_cheats 1  
/setpoints 500000 Yuki_N  
/Yuki_N has won the game!

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...I win."


	6. Wargames 06

**Hail To The Drivel  
Wargames 06**

/User AsaR(Canada) has joined the game  
/AsaR(Canada): Hi!  
/Plebeian(Japan): Er, hi.  
/MrSecretive(Japan): Hello  
/SOSCom(Japan): ahoy!  
/Yuki_N(???): Greetings.  
/Mikuru!_:)_(Japan): Hi!

/Player Plebeian killed SOSCom with the Sniper Rifle!  
/SOSCom(Japan): goddamnit!  
/Plebeian(Japan): I thought this was a friends-only server?  
/AsaR(Canada): It is :)

/Player MrSecretive killed Mikuru!_:)_ beneath his Tank!  
/Mikuru!_:)_(Japan): WAAAAAAAAAH!!!1!!1 ;_: Koizumi!  
/Yuki_N(???): AsaR is on my friends list  
/Plebian(Japan): Wow, really?  
/AsaR(Canada): Yep! :)

/Player Yuki_N killed SOSCom with the Energy Rifle!  
/SOSCom(Japan): WOAH  
/MrSecretive(Japan): I didn't realise you used your friends list, Nagato!  
/Yuki_N(???): I do.  
/SOSCom(Japan): btw yuki, whats up with ur location?  
/Yuki_N(???): It is in error.

/Player SOSCom killed MrSecretive with the Rocket Launcher!  
/MrSecretive(Japan): My tank!  
/Plebeian(Japan): So, to whom do we owe the pleasure?  
/AsaR(Canada): :) Nagato invited me  
/Plebeian(Japan): Really?  
/AsaR(Canada): Yep! ;D

/Player Plebeian killed SOSCom with the Sniper Rifle!  
/SOSCom(Japan): GRAAAAH!  
/AsaR(Canada): We've known each other a while! :)  
/Plebeian(Japan): ...havewe met?  
/AsaR(Canada): Once or twice ;)

/Player Plebeian killed Yuki_N with the Sniper Rifle!  
/Player Plebeian killed MrSecretive with the Sniper Rifle!  
/Player Plebeian killed Mikuru!_:)_ with the Sniper Rifle!  
/Player Plebeian HAT TRICK!  
/Plebeian(Japan): Oops, sorry Mikuru  
/MrSecretive(Japan): ...  
/Mikuru!_:)_(Japan): ;_;  
/SOSCom(Japan): lol!  
/AsaR(Canada): Haha! Not bad Kyon!  
/Plebeian(Japan): Hey, how do you know my name?

/Player AsaR killed Plebeian with the Combat Knife!  
/Plebeian(Japan): GAH!  
/AsaR(Canada): :D:D:D:D:D


	7. 51 Things Haruhiko Suzumiya Must Not Do

**Things Haruhiko Suzumiya is not allowed to do**

[[A/N: This is inspired by all the '51 things Character X is not allowed to do' stories. It's also gender-flip, obviously; can't see it working on Canon!Haruhi. Enjoy!]]

_**And don't try to get around or edit this, because we WILL add to it. - Kyonko**  
Or amend it, as necessary - Itsuko -(PS: Kyonko why are you using a felt-tip pen?)  
**Because he stole all my biros... again.**_

1) Claim to be God in the middle of homeroom

2) Claim to be God in the middle of a church

3) Claim to be God anywhere else  
_**-Why didn't you just put down 'Claim to be God, period?'**_  
_-...Because that would have been the smart thing to do?_

4) Claim Kyonko's ponytail is actually a pull-string in disguise

5) Attempt to prove Kyonko's ponytail is actually a pull-string in disguise (with physical demonstrations)

6) Tell Nagato, knowing full well he will take him seriously, that the school has changed his uniform to...

7) ...a swimming costume

8) ...an NGE Plugsuit  
_-Where the hell did he get that anyway?_  
_**-**__**I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.**_

9) ...an ordinary school uniform... 5 sizes down

10) ...the girl's uniform  
_-Although, Nagato in drag was pretty awesome...  
__**-Don't encourage him**__  
-Hey, you're the one who got a nosebleed!  
__**-Yeah, until I realised that was MY uniform!**_

11) Publicly announce his belief that Kyonko should have been born a man

12) Privately announce his belief that Kyonko should have been born a man

13) Hire a radio station to announce his belief that Kyonko should have been born a man, having been prohibited by the above two decrees.

14) Make subtle OR unsubtle comments about Itsuko's sexuality  
_**-Because we already know**__  
-;_; Don't be mean..._

15) Steal the Student Council President's glasses

16) Steal Nagato's glasses

17) Both of the above, then switch them around so that each has the wrong pair.  
_-I still can't believe that took them three days to notice  
__**-Isn't using other people's glasses supposed to mess up your eyes or something?**_

18) Claim Kyonko is a tsundere.

19) Claim Kyonko is a yandere.

20) Claim Kyonko. Period.

21) Edit this list

22) Otherwise damage, destroy or modify this list

23) Tell Mitsuru he's just not moe anymore

24) Swap Mitsuru and Nagato's uniforms during PE

25) Swap Kyonko and Itusko's uniforms during PE  
_-Seriously, that was actually kinda creepy  
__**-Yeah  
**_-Yeah, sorry about that one : /  
_**-Oi! Number 21!**_  
-I'm not editing, I'm commenting! Jeez, can't I even defend myself now?  
_**-You don't *need* defending.**_

26) Call the Bomb Squad whenever Mitsuru gets a love letter

27) Call the Biohazard Squad whenever Kyonko brings a home-cooked lunch  
-What? Your cooking sucks!  
_**-My cooking does not suck! Wait, YOU ate my lunchbox that day?!**_  
-Ain't no rule...

28) Eat Kyonko's home-cooked lunch, then blame it on Itsuko  
-dammit...  
_**-We *said* we'd keep it updated ; )**_

29) Blackmail the Computer Club into building a life-sized, working attack robot

30) Lock Kyonko into the SOS Clubroom

31) ...overnight

32) ...with Itsuko

33) ...and then claim to have pictures in the morning  
_**-No comment.**__  
-I quite enjoyed it actually  
__**-You *would*.**_

34) Claim that Nagato is a mute

35) Claim that Nagato is a robot

36) Claim that Nagato is a terminator without any assigned targets

37) _Convince_ Nagato that he is a terminator without any assigned targets

38) Steal all of Kyonko's pens to prevent further additions to this list  
_**-Nice try.**_

39) Claim that Mitsuru knows 'Tea-fu'

40) ...And then challenge him to a match

41) ...And then attempt to claim him as your personal maid (including costume) when he wins

42) Attempt to claim Mitsuru as a maid at any point at all

43) Use set-squares and triangles as impromptu shurikens

44) Replace Kyonko's shampoo with hairgel to make a 'walking hedgehog'  
_**-Unless you want me to headbutt you with it like that. Again.**_

45) Unscrew all the bolts on Nagato's chair to make it collapse the moment he sits down.

46) Claim there is a secret door build into one of the bookcases

47) _Attempt to build_ a secret door into one of the bookcases

48) 'Creatively misinterpret' No Uniform Day as Cosplay Day

49) 'Creatively misinterpret' No Uniform Day as Crossdress Day

50) 'Creatively misinterpret' No Uniform Day as No Uniform Or Anything Else day

And finally...

51) Never, EVER convince Nagato to hack him into the NSA's site and claim to have the nuclear launch codes. EVER.  
-But I haven't done that one yet!  
_**-Pre-emptive measure.**_  
-Damn you!


	8. The Other Last Question

[[A/N: I said this would be a dumping ground of ideas. One of the best and most interesting ways to start a fanfic, in my opinion, is to find the strings that hold the plot together and pull at them. The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya deliberately has quite a number of them, which is why it's so much fun to write for, but I think this is one of the most rarer. As this is just a dumping ground of ideas, I'm not going to seriously explore this idea into _another_ multi-chapter epic ala Parallel Running, but here goes. I hope this inspires someone. Enjoy!]]

[[PS: If you don't get the title, it's a reference to a short story by Isaac Asimov]]

* * *

**Hail To The Drivel  
The **_**Other**_** Last Question 01**

* * *

The Last Question was asked for the first time, half in jest, on a Thursday afternoon in a mostly empty Clubroom in the more ignored half of the Art building of North Senior High.

"How _did_ she get like that, anyway?"

It was one of those weird days where - by bizarre coincidence / providence / dumb luck / take your pick - there were only two people here in the Clubroom. By long, painful experience, I had long since learnt to sit in these situations in extreme trepidation on account of the... _oddity_ of the coincidences involved. In this case, myself and my Othello opponent were fairly certain that this was just Lady Luck deciding to throw us for a loop honestly for a change, as opposed to... say, someone else thankfully not here...

To elude: aforementioned reality-warping culprit of mindscrewery was on class duty. It happens, it was her turn and given that she doesn't really care that much about it it's unlikely she's behind the steering wheels of the rota.

The lone member of the Literature Club was off for repairs and upgrades to a long series of components with even longer names that I can't remember properly. Cram a bunch of computer jargon and philosophical terms into a random sentence generator; you'll probably get it about right. Given that we'd known about this a month in advance, we weren't too worried.

Mikuru was 'on holiday'. Which either meant she was genuinely on a beach somewhere or just not on this time plane anymore. Personally, I hope for the latter; if ever Mikuru and Beaches come together, I want to be there. Again, advance notice.

Luckily(?), the last member of this merry band of laws-of-physics misfits had no such prior appointments, and was thus able to keep me company with poor quality games of Othello rather than allowing me to simply go home. _That_ was probably Haruhi's fault. Damn it, why do _I_ never get to skimp on Club activities?!

Thus, in this atmosphere of air, high humidity from the sweltering heatwave that had been running strong the past few days and utter, utter boredom, that I asked The Last Question.

Koizumi Itsuki looked up at me with bleary eyes. I'd long since given up trying to decide if his poor Othello skills stemmed from sleep deprivation or genuine lack of ability. Out of politeness I was favouring the former.

"How did who get what in what way?" He asked slowly, all attempts at being Mr. Philosophical melted out of his brain by the searing heat.

"Haruhi? How did she even become a... 'God' in the first place?"

Itsuki yawned. "You know she's probably not a God, that's just some parts of the Organisation who... bleh. I forgot what the Data Entity calls her."

I grunted. "Me too."

"Reality.... somethingorother."

I grunted.

"...aah... doesn't matter..."

"Well, whatever - God, Inexplicably Random Reality Warper... Herald of Cthulu....... whatever..... point is, how did she _get_ that way?"

Itsuki summoned the strength the roll his eyes. "You know why, you were _there_."

"What, some random senior with a cute girl on his back turning up to help you vandalise you Junior School sports fields in the middle of the night is cause for spontaneous deification? _That doesn't make any sense!_"

The wilting ESPer boy finally gave up on the Othello game and collapsed onto the table, using his arms to cushion his head, finding our conversation mildly more interesting than loosing at boardgames. As much as you could find anything interesting other than Water and Sleep in this weather.

"When was the last time anything in this club every made sense?" He responded, yawning. "And it was a _bit_ more complicated than that, as I recall..."

"Yes, I know that-"

"I mean, you did have to do it _twice..."_

"Yes, but-"

"...didn't you get stabbed or something?"

I scowled, slumping sideways myself so that my head was kept upright by my arm, elbow on the table. "You're getting confused with that other time."

Itsuki grunted. He didn't even shrug his shoulders, we were _that _out of it.

"I mean, that's kinda specific criteria for godhood if that's the case-"

"-maybe that's why no-one else's managed it yet."

"-which would also make it one hell of a coincidence if it were true. And how often do _we_ get honest coincidences?"

Itsuki gave a long, hard, irritated look, as though trying to remind me where we were.

"Oh, come off it Koizumi, this is just a one-off."

Itsuki grunted.

"This _has_ to be coincidence. Who could possibly want to see us melt in the clubroom on our own?"

Itsuki... shrugged and conceded the point. A white, rusty box on the ceiling became the sudden focus of the closest to a glare I'd ever seen him make. "I wish the damn AC would work."

I snorted, wishing the air current expelled from my nostrils could miraculously be cooler than the air outside. It wasn't.

"...where was I again?"

"Haruhi. Godhood. No sense."

"Oh, yeah." I swallowed. "I mean, if you think about it, the only way it could possibly make sense is if something decided to _make_ her that way."

"Maybe it was the time travel that did it."

"Can't be. Paradox."

"Since when did you know anything about time travel?"

"...I dunno. Want to ask Mikuru?"

Itsuki rolled his eyes. "No. She's probably frolicking around in 25th century Russia or something."

That was an amusing idea. "Mikuru, the Space Communist! Restoring Stalin to his rightful place with machine guns and eye lasers!"

The Organisation paperboy gave me as close to a serious warning look as he could manage in the present conditions. "Don't _ever _tell Haruhi that idea."

"Don't worry, I won't."

"She'll probably follow through with it."

"I know."

"I don't want to have to explain to my superiors why she's ordering Russian army uniforms and old Communist iconography off the 'net."

"I _know_, Itsuki."

"I mean, it was bad enough over those damn bunny costumes... I mean, I had to make a _report..."_

"I**know**_**.**_**"**

"...'k."

"....where were we again?"

"...urgh...."

"Oh, yeah." I leaned back into my chair, the better to contemplate the insanity of the universe. "So, following this theory-"

"-which is probably wrong anyway-"

"-Shut up. Following this theory... what would be capable of empowering her? You'd need a pretty strong reality rewriter to pull it off."

Itsuki frowned, trying to mull it over in his heat addled brain. "Can't've been the Data Entity. It wants auto-evolution... or whatever it's called. Why do that if they were responsible themselves?"

I shrugged. "Accident?"

"Why keep it from us, then?"

I frowned, also mulling things around. In this heat, thoughts were like liquid, or a candle in the wind; unreliable and leaked everywhere. Wait, would that mean that they have boiling points too? And are normally solid? Should we start running experiments?

"...what the hell are you talking about?"

"...nevermind. Hmm.... maybe it was the Canopy Domain?"

Itsuki actually considered this. "That's an idea. We don't really know what _they_ want."

"Because they can't tell us."

"Exactly!" He snapped his fingers, lifting a few centimetres off the table edge.

"If they were responsible for this mess, that would explain why they're supporting Sasaki!"

"To try and _fix_ it!"

"And they can't explain the situation because they can't communicate properly!"

"Haha!"

"It makes so much sense!"

The two of us grinned and leaned back, pondering this new revelation and giving it our full, undivided attentions as we tried to examine the possibilities and questions this new theory provided.

"..."

"..."

Candle in the wind.

"What were we talking about again?"

"I dunno. I forgot."

"...Damn, me too."

"..."

"Wanna play Othello?"


	9. Wargames 07

**Hail To The Drivel  
Wargames 07**

_Because you can never have enough crack._

"A-Ano... what does this gun do?"

"Hm? Which gun's that Miku-GAH!!"

"W-What is it?"

"Um, nothing! Nothing! You – er, just... put that down, okay?"

"Eh?"

"What's going on over there?"

"Nothing Haruhi!"

"Lemme see!"

"No, wait – don't!"

"What's wrong-"

"Don't! Stop -"

"What? Kyon! What are y– hey!"

"NO!"

"EEEEEH?"

Click.

/Player Mikuru_:)_ killed Plebeian with the Nuclear Cannon!  
/Player Mikuru_:)_ killed Yuki_N with the Nuclear Cannon!  
/Player Mikuru_:)_ killed SOSCom with the Nuclear Cannon!  
/Player Mikuru_:)_ killed AsaR with the Nuclear Cannon!  
/Player Mikuru_:)_ killed MrSecretive with the Nuclear Cannon!  
/Player Mikuru_:)_ suicided (Nuclear Cannon)  
/Player Mikuru_:)_ WIPEOUT!

"..."

"..."

"I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryIdidn'tmeantoI'msorry! Waaaah!"

"Remind me never to take Mikuru paintballing"

"Duly noted."

* * *

_Yay, more Wargames drivel! Fear the Woobie, Destroyer of Worlds! (And thanks to Litome for the suggestion!)  
For those who didn't get what Kyon and Itsuki where talking about in the previous chapter, they're referring to something that happens in the Light Novels._


End file.
